exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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