This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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