why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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