I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
