Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
