you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
