Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
