Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
