I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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