My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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