If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
