I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
