3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
