Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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