Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I wear drunk well.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
