you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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