im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
