I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
