I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize