your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's like God shit irony all over that family
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
