Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
