And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
