I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
