I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
