Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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