is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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