he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
