Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
