If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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