i'm lost and i look like a hooker
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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