She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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