I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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