apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
