Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
