The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
