Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Found the puke drawer
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
