You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
