I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
