He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
