smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
