wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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