One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
