I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
