I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
