Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
