dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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