she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
