anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
