People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
