1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My ass is underappreciated
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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