That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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