im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
