Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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