And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
