dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
