dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
