remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
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Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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